We believe we're getting the fairytale when we get married. You know: meet "the one," have a whirlwind courtship, and live happily ever after. What the fairy tales don't tell you is that relationships take work.Often times, we don't go into a relationship with the tools to manage the challenges, which is where the pros come in. And by pros, I mean a counselor or therapist who can help you learn new ways of relating to your partner.The question is: at what point should you consider marriage counseling?
Here are some trigger points and behaviors that are signs you may need help:

1.There are too many Problems

 


There [can be] so much going unsaid that the couple act out and don't address the underlying issues that are making them stressed and angry," says Raymond. "Both are tired but refuse to ask for a truce. Couples stuck in this situation are reluctant to attend therapy because they don't want to talk and share. They are more inclined to communicate by doing things to hurt the other as a way of making their partner feel their own pain; they are scared of finding out things that may reflect badly on them.

2.The Trust is Gone

 


When suspicion is present, "one partner feels unfairly accused and perceived inaccurately," says Raymond. "One couple that I worked with started with the woman who felt her husband didn't believe her when she said she wanted to take evening classes and have a social life. The suspicious one begins to put restrictions on their partner and keeps tabs on them, making them feel like prisoners or like naughty teenagers. They are then eager to go to therapy to get freed up.

3.One Partner is Unresponsive


"One of my couple clients began with the wife coming on her own, furious that she couldn't get her husband to get a job and contribute to the family finances pattern," says  Ph.D., a licensed psychologist. "As they shared their stories and I helped them share their feelings and needs, they became closer, adopted clearer boundaries, and developed more security.

4.One Partner wants Couple Therapy


The other person might not understand why, but Whitney has seen "countless couples where one spouse asked for years to go to therapy and the other didn't think things were that bad—until the first partner finally gave up and filed for divorce. If your partner has asked you more than once to come for therapy, go. It can't hurt, and it may save your marriage," says Whitney.

5.Addiction is Present


If one partner drinks too much, can't control gambling or another behavior, abuses medication, or might have some other addiction, get professional help," says Whitney. "A trained therapist can help you figure out whether the problem is really an addiction and ways to treat it. If the possibly addicted party won't come to therapy, the other spouse can still come. Individual therapy is less likely to solve the problem, but it can help clarify things and support the spouse.

6.You can't agree on the Big Issues


"Every couple disagrees about some things, but when you have very different views about something that's very important.

7.Forgiveness feels Impossible


No matter how much you want to move on, you have a hard time forgiving each other. If you tend to go in opposite directions when something disagreeable happens, your relationships probably lack trust and commitment, according to Pascale. "Even if [our partners] try to explain their actions, we're not likely to believe them...because their explanations are inconsistent with our negative perspective," he adds.

8. You have Negative Bias


We also develop a generalized and pervasive opinion about our spouse, as they do about us," says Pascale. "They're based on what we have learned about our partner and what we remember from our experiences together. While a positive bias can make a marriage better, a negative bias can bring one down. So even if your partner does or says something good, we're likely to regard that as an aberration, or we'll dismiss it because we believe there is a negative motive behind it.

9.There's a Negative  Pattern


We remember the prevailing attitude and tone of our prior conflicts, and we assume that our future arguments will follow the same path," says Pascale. "Partners can become conditioned to expect each other to behave negatively, and these expectations can cause conversations to start contentiously. So, bad fighting tends to get worse over time, and this pattern can broadly affect the marriage as a whole.

10. The Fights are getting more Intense


Arguments that don't end in a some type of solution, or that leave partners feeling as badly or worse, or embittered, than they did when they first started arguing, suggest there are unresolved or underlying problems in the marriage. The negative emotions that we send out provoke negative emotions as a response from our partner.

11.You're Keeping Secrets


Finding yourself in a tangled web of secrets around subjects couples should talk openly about—money spending, hurt feelings, needs that aren't getting met, sexual desire and preferences—is a red flag, says licensed marriage and family therapist .We do get to have private lives separate from our partner, but there is a kind of 'avoidance' and 'malaise' in the kinds of secrets we keep that need to be paid attention to.

12.Sex is Dwindling


Lack of action in the bedroom may indicate a bigger problem.Couples often report that their sex lives can be a barometer for how the relationship is going," says Limongello. "If you notice that your sex life has begun to die down, it might be a good idea to seek out a couples counselor to acknowledge what's going on between you two. Instead of waiting until your sex life comes to a complete halt, it might be better to seek help sooner rather than later.

13.Marriage is on the Horizon


Maybe you've talked about getting hitched and you want to make sure you're both on the same page. "If you're in a relationship that is becoming increasingly committed—prior to entering into a marriage or even just moving in together this can be a great time to begin couples therapy," says Limongello.Research shows that married couples who seek help in negotiating a life together prior to committing often report higher levels of satisfaction in their marriages.

14. Life has thrown a curveball


Life's unpredictability can shake up you and your partner's norm."Unexpected pregnancies, sudden financial changes, or even sudden losses can arise out of nowhere and shift the dynamic of any loving relationship," says , a licensed psychotherapist specializing in couples counseling. Experiencing any kind of sudden change in either of your lives can be a great reason to start couples counseling together.